Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize