Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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