i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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