Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
