I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
