Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
