last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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