Can i not drive my cunt home
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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