life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
