He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
