i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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