My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
