Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
