Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My dick has a subreddit
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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