im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
