her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
