dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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