it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
foreskin is a definite game changer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
