you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
