my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
