Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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