I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
