I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
3pm strippers are depressing
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize