my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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