Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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