On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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