she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
