Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
