i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize