The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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