I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
