this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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