You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
