There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
