There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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