halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
