I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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