we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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