i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I need to calm my uterus...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
