I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
