The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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