I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
