I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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