sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
