This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
