Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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