There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
