Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
