Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
