I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
