I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
