I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
