My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
