my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
