Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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