I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize