a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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