I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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