My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
